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The Writers Page: In Search of Me

In Search of Me
By Vincent A. Caruso

Will someone tell me who I am? I don’t seem to know. I seem to be so many things. It’s all so confusing. Will the real me step forward but who is the real me? Is it the critical me who finds fault with most everyone and everything? Is it the angry me who still wants to achieve his goal in life, whatever that might be? Is it the depressed me who yearns for acceptance and recognition? Is it the ‘funny’ me who calls attention to himself with wild and zany behavior? Is it the compassionate me who sits with a dying person and assures them they have nothing to fear? Is it the performer who sees himself the lead actor in the play of life and those around him merely props?

I have walked the many twisted paths of life wondering when I will run into me. I have moved thru a myriad of emotions as life wends its ways thru what has proven to be an uncharted journey rather than a guided tour.

Oh, how I wish life was a guided tour! I could sit back and listen to the tour guide walk and talk me thru each and every pitfall I would encounter; who would remove all my anxiety; who would grant me all my desires. Surely the tour guide would know who I am. But alas there is no tour guide. There is just an endless stream of today’s followed by tomorrows which never come because tomorrow is a disguise for another today. I am, thru no fault of my own, caught up in this whirlwind of life which masquerades as a merry-go-round. It goes around and around and around-never stopping. I want to get off! I want to discover who I am!

Perhaps I am nobody! Perhaps I am merely a piece of a puzzle which placed correctly brings me closer to understanding the mystery of the universe. But being a piece of a puzzle still does not tell me who I am.

Is who I am found in comparison with some one or some thing? With whom, then shall I compare myself? Shall I compare myself to God? How vain of me to even dare such a comparison yet God, like me, defies definition.

In the Christian faith God is described as father, son, and Holy Spirit which I take to mean that God himself/herself is not identifiable. If God cannot be identified, can it then be said that the father, son, and Holy Spirit are recognizable personalities of what we call God? How exhilarating a thought!

If I dare continue my comparison to God, I too will also never be able to define who I am yet my various personalities will gain identity without contradicting each other. Each personality will have a life of its own and be seen for what it is. No longer will I need to be defensive because I have what others see as conflicting personalities. I will be critical, angry, depressed, zany, compassionate and a manipulating performer without guilt! I will be these personalities and any other personality that emerges at a given moment. I will have freedom of expression and spontaneity. I am whatever I choose to be at any given moment! How mystifying I will be to others! How overpowering I will become! When someone asks ‘who are you?’ I can then answer by saying: ‘I am how I now appear to you or how I will appear to you in an hour or a day or a month or a year. To you it may seem different but however I appear to you, it is who I am!’

Trying to define me will be impossible and this is good. I grow tired of those who only see me thru eyes of prejudice; who determine what I ought to be; who accept or reject me because of where I was born; or because of my name; or how I speak or what is the color of my skin.

Who I am has nothing to do with where I was born, or what is my name, or how I speak or the color of my skin. Who I am has everything to do with my personalities and only with my personalities. You can only reject how I appear to you at any given moment or accept how I appear to you at any given moment. You are permitted to deal only with my personalities.

Is mankind prepared to take this leap into uncharted waters? There is danger in doing so because man may go too far in determining his personalities and take the freedom of expression and spontaneity to the extreme. Remember there is no tour guide on our journey thru life; there is no boundary; there is no limitation to what man can achieve. So what then do I consider to be the extreme?

There goes the bell! That’s it for today, class. We’ll have to tackle the answer to that question during our next session. You want a hint as to what is the answer to that question? All I’ll say is that it has something to do with oneness. Have a nice weekend!